If at first you don’t succeed …

If at first you don’t succeed, calm down, slow down, take a breath, assess yourself, assess your partner.

I wear hearing aids. When I don’t understand a person’s speech, two things help most. Paradoxically, turning down the volume helps me hear more of the nuances and frequencies that can become overridden and blurred by too much soundscape volume. Second, and it works the same way, when a person speaks slowly to me it helps my brain hear more and gives it more time to sort out everything that is perceives.

Galloping by Dóra Klenovszki
If your partner didn’t respond in the way you expected, do you get louder, bigger with your movements? Do you try doing something different to see if they understand that? STOP!

What is your default setting for evaluating your partner when things don’t go as expected?

  • They are being resistant.
  • They aren’t sensitive enough.
  • They didn’t hear, feel me the first time.
  • They don’t understand, but if I can make them do it, then . . .
  • They are slow, mentally or physically.

Let’s acknowledge that any of those things could actually be a factor. Now ask yourself, are any of those things helped by becoming, louder, more forceful, bigger, trying it a different way?

Well, actually, that last one, “try it a different way,” does actually help, if the difference is:

  • Become more quiet and still.
  • Listen to yourself.
  • Listen to your partner.
  • Have a crystal clear intention for The One Next Thing.
  • Express that one next thing with crystal clarity and simplicity in your own body.
  • Allow your partner to move with your body.

Here is a specific exercise and challenge for you. The next time you feel frustration with a situation, first catalog how your body goes about telling you to feel frustrated.

  • A tightness somewhere in your body — gut, shoulders, jaw?
  • A contortion in your body — raised shoulders or elbows, twisted or tilted head?
  • A change in temperature — flushed chest or face?
  • A voice in your head?
  • Something else?

Now anchor that feeling for future reference, so that you can recognize it sooner the next time, to start the changes that keep it from coming or reduce it.

Take a breath, calm down, assess. Does the frustration feeling diminish?

Make a choice.

  • Do something different now.
  • Do what you’ve always done.
  • Do nothing.

Celebrate that you do have choices. Then, we can surely hope, that you can go on to celebrate that by doing something different (or even nothing) that you receive more useful responses from your partner, which allow you both to go on building in connection and abilities from there.